The month of October is such a double edged sword for me. On one hand, I am obsessed with Halloween, the change of colors in the vegetation that surrounds us, the thought of holidays soon approaching us, time spent with friends, pumpkin spice scents and flavors-it's literally my favorite time of the year.
Funny enough, it's also the hardest time of the year for me. I begin to realize how long it's been since i've seen my friends and family back in Texas. I miss my ex-fiance dearly and think of him fondly during this month. He died October 27th, 1999. I was only 17. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, and as long as I live, I doubt that I will ever be the same around this time of year because of it. I miss him terribly. He is the only man in my entire life besides my brother who has loved me unconditionally.
I fell in love, true love, once again after Nathan had passed away. June 6th, 2003 i met Dylan Brady. I spent the next 4 years of my life with him. He and I are friends now after 2 years of being broken up. It's so much easier to move on from something like that-even though when it first happened I thought I would literally die from the aching pain inside my heart. It's funny how life moves and changes us. It's funny what you can go through. You will think that you cannot possibly make it through a pain so deep your insides feel hollow, and then one day, you magically realize it's alright. You smile again. It feels like sunshine has filled the darkest places of your heart and mind once again.
It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to begin to feel for someone in this nature again. Nearly 2 years to be exact. Then I met J. The story in itself is something meant for books and movies. He blew me away in the span of only a few days. Then, he left, and went back to his home. 6500 miles away in London, England. I never thought I'd speak to him again, but alas, I thought wrong. Over the past few months our relationship/friendship has grown and progressed, and I found myself thinking that in him I could potentially have found someone I would be willing to open myself to again. I did. In true circumstance of all romance novels that go awry-he chose another girl. I find myself wondering, when does it end?
How do people wind up with one another? Are so many people merely settling or do they happen to actually find someone that they can mold with into one life? Is my problem that I am too independent, or that I allow myself to care too deeply for those who enter my life in all forms and situations? Some people claim that I am too distant, while others claim I desire too much attention. I wonder what kind of read the person reading this right now gets from me. Being a Gemini is strange because you have so many different persons inside of you that make up the whole that you portray in life. I give up on relationships. If one wants me-it can find me. I give in to the realization that I cannot be against finding someone, but that it may not take place any time soon-or ever.
I'm so happy to have the life that I live. I'm so very fortunate for the friends, family, occupation, etc. that I have. I just want to find someone who will follow these steps...boy meets girl. boy and girl like one another. they share a few splendid moments together and decide to casually date. boy and girl progress and become boyfriend and girlfriend after a few months. from there the story continues. i'm not out there searching for a boyfriend or a husband. i just want to find someone who wants to take a few steps in life enjoying one another's company-and then we will see where that leads us.
one of these days someone will be running through life at the same speed that i am.....
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Same Scene; Forever.
How old is too old? When do we grow older and loose our youthful innocence? When does going out with friends become a chore? Is this what we call maturity, or is it a part of life...to settle into routine?
Looking around me in a dark room, with loud music from some no name band injuring my hearing further, i see a scene painted in front of me that i know all too well. Girls we would never call ladies, dressed to the nines in the most attention grabbing outfits they could manage to put together from what's left in their closet after weeks of partying. Boys whom we would never refer to as mean, due to the fact that they dress as if this is still 1986 and Motley Crue is in the room provoking the restless members of this dull party. "We just live to experience life!" This is what they claim.
I didn't realize experiencing life meant drinking away your brain cells and your paycheck on a nightly basis. You fill yourself with false expectations of what will come of this dance you shimmy to nightly. For the first time in my life I have taken a look at the people around me and just wanted to run far, far away. A little voice inside of me screaming that my time here has ceased. I realized that I want some routine in my life. Someone who will wake up when a.m. still follows the number on the clock to explore the day with me. Travel, read, write, learn. There's so much to see, and the most common thing people in this city see is the inside of a bar. Disgusting. You have a city full of useful tools at your hands and you waste it away.
Let me tell you something kids; you're not a musician if you only pick up your guitar once a week and spend the rest of your time boozing. You're an alcoholic with a hobby. Get a job and then explore your passion. It's alright to be without monetary benefits in life...if you're working towards something that will establish you in a way so sturdy that one day my children will say, "look mom, i got an autograph from _____." Stop wasting everyone's time, including your own.
In the event of moving forward, I have chosen to write on this site weekly. To evolve in my learning process and explore the theories given to me daily. I know now the next step to my life, and I will not stand here idly waiting for it to happen. I made the giant leap it took to start my true life here in California. I have settled into what I now call "home." I have my career path laid in front of me with a distinguished map of where I'm going and how I will get there. He is going to be next. Steps towards completion. One, two, three.
Looking around me in a dark room, with loud music from some no name band injuring my hearing further, i see a scene painted in front of me that i know all too well. Girls we would never call ladies, dressed to the nines in the most attention grabbing outfits they could manage to put together from what's left in their closet after weeks of partying. Boys whom we would never refer to as mean, due to the fact that they dress as if this is still 1986 and Motley Crue is in the room provoking the restless members of this dull party. "We just live to experience life!" This is what they claim.
I didn't realize experiencing life meant drinking away your brain cells and your paycheck on a nightly basis. You fill yourself with false expectations of what will come of this dance you shimmy to nightly. For the first time in my life I have taken a look at the people around me and just wanted to run far, far away. A little voice inside of me screaming that my time here has ceased. I realized that I want some routine in my life. Someone who will wake up when a.m. still follows the number on the clock to explore the day with me. Travel, read, write, learn. There's so much to see, and the most common thing people in this city see is the inside of a bar. Disgusting. You have a city full of useful tools at your hands and you waste it away.
Let me tell you something kids; you're not a musician if you only pick up your guitar once a week and spend the rest of your time boozing. You're an alcoholic with a hobby. Get a job and then explore your passion. It's alright to be without monetary benefits in life...if you're working towards something that will establish you in a way so sturdy that one day my children will say, "look mom, i got an autograph from _____." Stop wasting everyone's time, including your own.
In the event of moving forward, I have chosen to write on this site weekly. To evolve in my learning process and explore the theories given to me daily. I know now the next step to my life, and I will not stand here idly waiting for it to happen. I made the giant leap it took to start my true life here in California. I have settled into what I now call "home." I have my career path laid in front of me with a distinguished map of where I'm going and how I will get there. He is going to be next. Steps towards completion. One, two, three.
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