Giving Up or Giving In

The month of October is such a double edged sword for me. On one hand, I am obsessed with Halloween, the change of colors in the vegetation that surrounds us, the thought of holidays soon approaching us, time spent with friends, pumpkin spice scents and flavors-it's literally my favorite time of the year.

Funny enough, it's also the hardest time of the year for me. I begin to realize how long it's been since i've seen my friends and family back in Texas. I miss my ex-fiance dearly and think of him fondly during this month. He died October 27th, 1999. I was only 17. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, and as long as I live, I doubt that I will ever be the same around this time of year because of it. I miss him terribly. He is the only man in my entire life besides my brother who has loved me unconditionally.

I fell in love, true love, once again after Nathan had passed away. June 6th, 2003 i met Dylan Brady. I spent the next 4 years of my life with him. He and I are friends now after 2 years of being broken up. It's so much easier to move on from something like that-even though when it first happened I thought I would literally die from the aching pain inside my heart. It's funny how life moves and changes us. It's funny what you can go through. You will think that you cannot possibly make it through a pain so deep your insides feel hollow, and then one day, you magically realize it's alright. You smile again. It feels like sunshine has filled the darkest places of your heart and mind once again.

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to begin to feel for someone in this nature again. Nearly 2 years to be exact. Then I met J. The story in itself is something meant for books and movies. He blew me away in the span of only a few days. Then, he left, and went back to his home. 6500 miles away in London, England. I never thought I'd speak to him again, but alas, I thought wrong. Over the past few months our relationship/friendship has grown and progressed, and I found myself thinking that in him I could potentially have found someone I would be willing to open myself to again. I did. In true circumstance of all romance novels that go awry-he chose another girl. I find myself wondering, when does it end?

How do people wind up with one another? Are so many people merely settling or do they happen to actually find someone that they can mold with into one life? Is my problem that I am too independent, or that I allow myself to care too deeply for those who enter my life in all forms and situations? Some people claim that I am too distant, while others claim I desire too much attention. I wonder what kind of read the person reading this right now gets from me. Being a Gemini is strange because you have so many different persons inside of you that make up the whole that you portray in life. I give up on relationships. If one wants me-it can find me. I give in to the realization that I cannot be against finding someone, but that it may not take place any time soon-or ever.

I'm so happy to have the life that I live. I'm so very fortunate for the friends, family, occupation, etc. that I have. I just want to find someone who will follow these steps...boy meets girl. boy and girl like one another. they share a few splendid moments together and decide to casually date. boy and girl progress and become boyfriend and girlfriend after a few months. from there the story continues. i'm not out there searching for a boyfriend or a husband. i just want to find someone who wants to take a few steps in life enjoying one another's company-and then we will see where that leads us.

one of these days someone will be running through life at the same speed that i am.....